Last two shows of the year.  Was supposed to be as simple as just that. The road, however, seemed to have other plans for me.

It had to have started about a month ago when I was planning for the trip.  There were two shows: West Virginia University and Maryville College.  My agent says I should just fly into one airport and then drive to both schools.  Looking at MapQuest, however, showed that both schools were 8 hours apart and I can't drive for more than 4 hours before weariness takes over and I get very sleepy...very dangerously sleepy.  I swear I have a slight case of narcolepsy but no one wants to believe me.

So looking at the layout of both schools, I narrowed down to these two options:

1) Fly into Charleston, WV which falls halfway between both schools.  This means flying into Charleston on Tuesday, drive 4 hours north to WVU, do the show, spend the night, then drive 8 hours south to Maryville on Wednesday, do the show, spend the night then drive 4 hours north back to Charleston on Thursday and fly home.  Total cost for this trip: $390.

-OR-

2) Fly into Pittsburgh, PA on Tuesday, drive just one hour south to WVU, do the show, spend the night then fly to Maryville on Wednesday, do the show then fly home from Maryville on Thursday.  Total cost for this trip due to the many flights: $550.

I figured since the difference was only $160 which would have been spent on a car rental had I driven everywhere, I'll just go with option 2 and fly everywhere because I don't want to be spending time driving.  Again, it's because I have narcolepsy and no one believes me.

So far so I good.  I arrive at Pittsburg, PA around 12pm and settled into the hotel hoping to get some rest before my show that night.  Before I do that, however, I decide to call the student activities director at WVU to confirm what time he needed me.  When I spoke to him, I told him I was staying in Pittsburgh so I just need to know what time he needs me at the school as I am an hour away.  He responds with, "You're not an hour away.  You're FOUR hours away."

Mouth drops.

Heart follows.

I ask how this is possible.  He says that the school where I'm booked is WVU TECH....in CHARLESTON!!!  He says this happens a lot- many artists confuse West Virginia University with West Virginia University Tech.  How this got mixed up between me, my agent and my manager, I have no idea.  Now I'm realizing why my agent was saying I could have driven between both schools.

Suddenly I'm frantic suddenly realizing that had I went with option 1 (which was also cheaper by the way), none of this would have happened!!  So now, I have to drive 4 hours south to the RIGHT school, do the show, then drive 4 hours back north to Pittsburgh because of my hotel and the fact that my flight leaves from there the next day at 7 am.  My agents suggests I just drive to the school, stay the night, then drive to Maryville College and drop off the rental car there.  Rental car company says it will cost an extra $300 to drop off at a different location.  In addition, hotel won't refund the money we spent for the night. And to top it all off, US Airways says that to cancel my flight will cost $180.

Looks like I'm driving 8 hours tonight after all.  Mental note: stock up on Red Bull because I have narcolepsy and no one believes me.

It's 1pm  and the show is at 7pm.  To make it in time, I'll have to be on the road at 3pm. There goes the sleep I was looking forward to.

I take a quick nap, wake up and get ready and start my drive.  I forgot to mention that the car charger to my handheld GPS doesn't work.  Which means I have to give it a full charge and hope it lasts the 4 hours it takes to get to where I need to be.  Luckily, it's one highway all the way down and because of the lifesaving map application on my iPhone, I can bounce between the two.

The road trip wasn't too bad.  Scenery was amazing- mountain ranges and the look and smell of autumn which is something we never get here in Florida.  Add that to about a pack of Marlboros, a 4 pack of Red Bull, and I'm pretty good so far.  I also called Carlos Robson every half hour to chat in the event that something really terrible happens to me and the police come looking, Carlos will know exactly where I was at half hour intervals.  Don't judge me.  I've watched too many "missing people" shows on TV.

I finally get to WVU Tech and everyone was so accommodating.  Prior to the show, however, I wasn't feeling good.  I felt very faint and I didn't know why.  I felt somewhat nauseous.  I call my manager to tell him I was feeling weird and he asks if it's nerves.  I know my nerves and how they get before a show and this wasn't it.  Add that to the fact that I have 4 Red Bulls in my system and I can't stop thinking about the four hour drive back in the dead of night knowing that I might have narcolepsy and no one believes me and suddenly I'm becoming very afraid of having a panic attack.  What if I collapse on stage? Or worse, what if I collapse during my drive back?  Remember those "missing people" shows on TV?  Yep.

The show went well.  No panic attacks and I didn't faint on stage.  It was around 9pm when the show ended and I knew I had to get driving back to Pittsburgh.  I would have preferred to just stay in Charleston for the night but my flight left from Pittsburgh at 7am so I had no choice but to drive back now.  The weird nausea feeling I had somewhat subsided so maybe it WAS just the nerves coupled with Red Bulls.

But of course, the trip won't be that easy just yet.

No.  Instead, my GPS decides that instead of leading me back the way I came in, it decides to take me on a different route.  Suddenly, I am going through back roads IN THE MOUNTAINS THROUGH THE WOODS.  It's dark.  It's VERY dark.  There are no streetlights.  There are no other cars.  I am having flashbacks of the "missing people" tv shows.  I try to call Carlos.  I try to call my wife.  I try to call my manager.

I have no signal.  Largest 3G network my ass.

I also forgot to mention that every now and then as I am winding through 54 miles of back roads, my headlight will sometimes flash directly to abandoned cabins!  There they were- just sitting in the dark.  If my car were to die here- if my lights failed- there would be no way I could see anything around me.  The Blair Witch movie didn't scare me when I first watched it.  Tonight, however, I am crapping my pants.  City dwellers like me aren't made for this!  (Good news is, my heart is beating so fast that falling asleep at the wheel has become the least of my worries.)

Finally I am out of the mountains and back on the main road 2 hours away from the hotel where I can't wait for the comfort of my own bed.  Upon returning, I hurry up to the room, threw my crap down, and fell face first into the bed waiting until my heart stopped beating so fast and then fell asleep waking up just in time for the flight which, of course, would be delayed because, hey, whatever can go wrong, right?

I bet Jay-Z never has to worry about any of this when he travels.

I arrive in Knoxville, TN where I'm picked up by the guys at Maryville College.  Finally, I have nothing to worry about anymore since they're picking me up, taking me to my hotel, taking me to my show, then taking me to the airport the next day so I can fly back home.  In the car, they ask me, "How's your trip so far?"  I let out a sigh because where the hell do I even begin....

(Thank you to both schools: West Virginia University Tech and Maryville College for bringing me out to perform.  Despite the craziness of this trip, I had a blast performing for you and will gladly do it again.)

(My hotel in Maryville)

(Full kitchen.  Am I even staying long enough to use it?)

(The guys at Maryville College.  They did amazing with the show!)

(Rockstar moment...kinda)

Here's the background story:

I was at the Philippine consulate to gather info on renewing my passport. They say rather than getting info, they say I can actually go ahead and take care of it already to speed up the process. I said sure.

They then say I need new passport photos. Not knowing I would be doing that there (thought I would have to go to Wallgreens or some other passport-photo-taking place), I was led to the back area to take the shots. They had a blue background set up and a camer prepared. Cool- kill two stones with one bird.

They then say I can't wear my Kango (which I wear on days I don't have time to fix my hair). So I take it off to reveal overgrown hair that has been flattened and suddenly, flashbacks of 7 year old bowl haircuts have entered my insecurities.

They then make me take off my super fly Members Only jacket (no jackets, they say) to reveal the white tee I had beneath. They say I can’t wear that either (needs to be a button-up type of shirt). They're solution?? They show me to the two shirts they had on hand for schmucks like us who don't know beforehand what attire is recommended. They then hand me the beige Hawaiian print shirt that most old tourists wear (give me beige shorts, white socks and brown shoes and I’d be set). I said hell-to-the-no! Choosing the less of two evils, I choose the beige PLAID shirt they had to hopefully maintain some sort of gangsta. I even kept the top buttons open to maintain some sort of dignity. Of course, they would have a problem with that and say I have to button it up.

Long story shirt...this is what I end up with: